An olive branch: To Stephanie

An olive branch: To Stephanie

I've been told by my editor to go straight to the point, don't fuff about, write it as long as it's needed, and make every sentence count for something.

Well, here goes.

I miss my best friend. I miss her every time I see my growing puppy, when a new make up collection has launched, every brand that she's brought to my attention reminds me of her. I miss her for her eccentricity, how she would yell at me and almost force me to do the things that, in her opinion, would be for my own good.

Everyone whom I've spoken to about this tells me that it'll blow over and we'll get back to where we were before we know it. I yearn for that day to arrive, no matter how pathetic that sounds. I don't believe in going through life with my head held high, dismissing every weak emotion. There's no sense in ignoring what must be done to make us happier, just for the sake of pride. I believe in doing everything the world tells us not to do - to be transparent, honest and above all, to trust.

I am constantly telling myself that my world would be better without her influence, but there's always a longing feeling that my life, although perfect now, would be even more wonderful with her around. She has been with me through the worst times, seen me at my weakest and at my strongest. I don't know why we're as such, both rebellious and pig headed, hot tempered and proud, but I do know one thing, if not for her, I would be a lesser person.

I miss her; I dreamt her dog had died and when I woke up, I allowed myself to weep for a few minutes before realising that, what I was mourning for, wasn't her dog, but her presence in my life. I didn't understand; she can be the most toxic person ever, she can hurt me without even trying and use me for her own ends but, negative or positive, I want her in my life, no matter how toxic she can be, simply because I love her.

The kind of love I have for her is both rare and often misunderstood for homosexuality, but I believe, I have for her the deepest love that can exist between friends. I would go out of my way just to see her, include her, be with her. Without her, I am incomplete. I don't know how she must feel right now, but there's something that needs to be said:

We both have wronged each other, we both have our pride, but will that separate us? I have regretted over and over that I wasn't with you through the hardest times in your life, and I never want to miss anything again. We've gotten through this before, surely we can again? You pushed me aside because you thought me to be unworthy of your time, but now I can safely say that I've made something out of myself, there's hope yet. I understand if you are happier without me in your life, but in my heart of hearts, I wish that to be untrue, selfish as it may be.

I want us both to reconcile in our own, brusque manner, simply because I can't stand this silence. We can be distant, if you wish, but please, don't cut me out for long.